Alone versus loneliness... there's a difference. But when experienced together, it makes the heart sore. My heart is sore.
And would you really tell me to get over it? To get a straw and suck it up? To get on with life?
Please don't.
How long has it been now? About three weeks I believe. I thought the days leading up to departure (not goodbye) were hard. But it's still hard. Will it ever be easy? Would it be appropriate for it to become easy? If it did then could I honestly say "I miss you"?
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder" they say. How true, how true...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
I Just Don't Know
(My thoughts at the moment that I need to unload)
I just don't know what to think, how to think, what to feel, how to react, what to say, what to do...
I just don't know dammit! I just don't know...
And it's making my brain hurt. And my heart too. My brain just wants to fall out and my heart wants to explode.
I don't understand! I'm so confused! What do you want me to think? How do you want me to feel? What do you want me to say and do?
Should I say nothing at all? Do nothing at all? But what about my thoughts and my feelings? What about those? I don't know what to do with them. What direction do I point them in? I just don't know.
That's what I need- a direction to direct my thoughts and feelings toward. How do I find this direction? What is the right direction? Frick I don't know!!!
I just don't know what to think, how to think, what to feel, how to react, what to say, what to do...
I just don't know dammit! I just don't know...
And it's making my brain hurt. And my heart too. My brain just wants to fall out and my heart wants to explode.
I don't understand! I'm so confused! What do you want me to think? How do you want me to feel? What do you want me to say and do?
Should I say nothing at all? Do nothing at all? But what about my thoughts and my feelings? What about those? I don't know what to do with them. What direction do I point them in? I just don't know.
That's what I need- a direction to direct my thoughts and feelings toward. How do I find this direction? What is the right direction? Frick I don't know!!!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Loving the Unlovable Sandpaper People
Love. Something that I think we humans will never fully understand. Like God. (Whoever inspired the verse 1 John 4:8 ". . . God is Love" is a genius)
Indeed the more I learn about this mysterious topic of endless depth called "love," the more I see how inseparable it is from God. In fact, it was just this afternoon that I got a most convicting lesson on this through a very timely online devotion that my mom sent me. And by "timely" I mean that (I must confess) I was seriously on the brink of giving up on a friend of whom it came to the point (again) where it was just too hard and hurt too much to love. And to me, I thought I had good reason to walk away from it all. I mean, why should I keep associating with a person who keeps causing me hurt? (It's like you wouldn't leave your hand on a burning stove right?) And if they don't seem to care about maintaining the friendship, then what can I do? It would be like trying to feed a dead baby. I can't do this on my own- a friendship takes two.
And so I was preparing myself to end the friendship. I had had enough.
But then I read that online devotion. Here's the parts that seemed most similar to my situation:
The last thing I usually want to do is serve someone who is hard to get along with and rubs me the wrong way. In fact, the way I figure it, they should be the one serving me in order to make up for all of the grief they have caused. Sandpaper people are hard to serve . . . .
When we dare to serve a sandpaper person, it rocks their world. They are so accustomed to scratching and clawing their way to a false and shallow acceptance and find it almost impossible to believe that anyone would ever be willing to serve them in any way. That kind of chosen love is foreign to them but it certainly grabs their attention. It is after we have loved and served the sandpaper people in our lives that we begin to see them with different eyes.
'Devotion' indicates commitment and duty and carries the idea of a constant faithfulness that deliberately chooses repeatedly to serve. To 'honor' someone means to 'prefer' him or her or regard them as more important than ourselves. Most sandpaper people are used to people preferring that they disappear. I am convinced if we learned to look past the irritating antics of sandpaper people and simply love them or 'prefer' them, a transformation would begin.
In the book of Philippians, Paul explains that when we are serving others we are doing what Jesus did. Philippians 2:1-5 'Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and sympathetic? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one heart and purpose. Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too and what they are doing. Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had.' Paul is telling us that when we choose to love and serve others, especially those who are unlovable and difficult, we choose to have the same attitude that Jesus had. I believe the greatest hindrance to serving others is pride.
Then the devotion had a little prayer and a few last words at the end which was absolutely perfect for me:
Father, when I let pride take up residence in my heart, I can be so blind to the needs of others, especially those who are more difficult to love. I am so thankful that You did not feel that way toward me, one of the most difficult people of all to love. I praise You for the grace and love You have given me. Help me to be an instrument of that love and grace in the lives of those around me. In Jesus' name, Amen.
If I am not careful, I automatically gravitate to those who are easy to love and easy to serve. I have to remind myself that Jesus Christ came for broken people like me. I am not always easy to love . . . .
Holy cow. Soo..I could try to rationalize why I shouldn't have to love as Jesus loved: Why should I continue to be your friend when in fact I feel you've treated me like crap instead of a friend? Why should I talk to you when you just ignore me and seem that you could care less about our friendship? That's right, I shouldn't. You don't deserve it.
And yet, did we deserve anything Jesus did for us? Did we deserve any kindness from God? Why should Jesus have befriended unlovable people like us, and died in our place for us so that we might not have to face the just wrath of God?? I thought I was hurt? Jesus was hurt the most! I hurt him, I treated him like crap instead of a friend, I ignored him, I cared less about him every time I did what I wanted.
So what can I do but love others as Christ has loved me and trust God that His commandments are for the best.
Indeed the more I learn about this mysterious topic of endless depth called "love," the more I see how inseparable it is from God. In fact, it was just this afternoon that I got a most convicting lesson on this through a very timely online devotion that my mom sent me. And by "timely" I mean that (I must confess) I was seriously on the brink of giving up on a friend of whom it came to the point (again) where it was just too hard and hurt too much to love. And to me, I thought I had good reason to walk away from it all. I mean, why should I keep associating with a person who keeps causing me hurt? (It's like you wouldn't leave your hand on a burning stove right?) And if they don't seem to care about maintaining the friendship, then what can I do? It would be like trying to feed a dead baby. I can't do this on my own- a friendship takes two.
And so I was preparing myself to end the friendship. I had had enough.
But then I read that online devotion. Here's the parts that seemed most similar to my situation:
The last thing I usually want to do is serve someone who is hard to get along with and rubs me the wrong way. In fact, the way I figure it, they should be the one serving me in order to make up for all of the grief they have caused. Sandpaper people are hard to serve . . . .
When we dare to serve a sandpaper person, it rocks their world. They are so accustomed to scratching and clawing their way to a false and shallow acceptance and find it almost impossible to believe that anyone would ever be willing to serve them in any way. That kind of chosen love is foreign to them but it certainly grabs their attention. It is after we have loved and served the sandpaper people in our lives that we begin to see them with different eyes.
'Devotion' indicates commitment and duty and carries the idea of a constant faithfulness that deliberately chooses repeatedly to serve. To 'honor' someone means to 'prefer' him or her or regard them as more important than ourselves. Most sandpaper people are used to people preferring that they disappear. I am convinced if we learned to look past the irritating antics of sandpaper people and simply love them or 'prefer' them, a transformation would begin.
In the book of Philippians, Paul explains that when we are serving others we are doing what Jesus did. Philippians 2:1-5 'Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and sympathetic? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one heart and purpose. Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too and what they are doing. Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had.' Paul is telling us that when we choose to love and serve others, especially those who are unlovable and difficult, we choose to have the same attitude that Jesus had. I believe the greatest hindrance to serving others is pride.
Then the devotion had a little prayer and a few last words at the end which was absolutely perfect for me:
Father, when I let pride take up residence in my heart, I can be so blind to the needs of others, especially those who are more difficult to love. I am so thankful that You did not feel that way toward me, one of the most difficult people of all to love. I praise You for the grace and love You have given me. Help me to be an instrument of that love and grace in the lives of those around me. In Jesus' name, Amen.
If I am not careful, I automatically gravitate to those who are easy to love and easy to serve. I have to remind myself that Jesus Christ came for broken people like me. I am not always easy to love . . . .
Holy cow. Soo..I could try to rationalize why I shouldn't have to love as Jesus loved: Why should I continue to be your friend when in fact I feel you've treated me like crap instead of a friend? Why should I talk to you when you just ignore me and seem that you could care less about our friendship? That's right, I shouldn't. You don't deserve it.
And yet, did we deserve anything Jesus did for us? Did we deserve any kindness from God? Why should Jesus have befriended unlovable people like us, and died in our place for us so that we might not have to face the just wrath of God?? I thought I was hurt? Jesus was hurt the most! I hurt him, I treated him like crap instead of a friend, I ignored him, I cared less about him every time I did what I wanted.
So what can I do but love others as Christ has loved me and trust God that His commandments are for the best.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Untamable
Ice cream. Scoop after scoop after scoop after...
Then, the cherry to top it all off.
Damn cherry = "Well you didn't tell us, so it's your fault."
(My fault? You want to say that again?? Say it! Say it to my face dammit! I don't give a damn if you were kidding!)
That's all it takes. One cherry, one frickin stupid comment to make everything come crashing down. For some things, "kidding" doesn't mean crap. Neither do good intentions after a while.
Scoops of crap = "No! Why do I have to do it? You do it!"..."Huh, I'll do it later."..."What?! Aww I wanted to get food first."...CHAOS!!!...(any other scoops of crap I missed)
Somebody build me a Shrieking Shack! Quick! Before it's too late. For I am untamable.
Just let me be.
Then, the cherry to top it all off.
...And topple it.
Damn cherry = "Well you didn't tell us, so it's your fault."
(My fault? You want to say that again?? Say it! Say it to my face dammit! I don't give a damn if you were kidding!)
That's all it takes. One cherry, one frickin stupid comment to make everything come crashing down. For some things, "kidding" doesn't mean crap. Neither do good intentions after a while.
Scoops of crap = "No! Why do I have to do it? You do it!"..."Huh, I'll do it later."..."What?! Aww I wanted to get food first."...CHAOS!!!...(any other scoops of crap I missed)
Somebody build me a Shrieking Shack! Quick! Before it's too late. For I am untamable.
Just let me be.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Spur of the Moment
...Umm..hello.
Let's see..you know what? olderish ladies are really cool to talk to. That's something new I discovered. So I hope when I get olderish I'll be really cool to talk to too.
WAAHHH! give me something to write about!! D:
Let's see..you know what? olderish ladies are really cool to talk to. That's something new I discovered. So I hope when I get olderish I'll be really cool to talk to too.
WAAHHH! give me something to write about!! D:
Saturday, June 21, 2008
What's Going On?
(This is very vague, I know, but here it goes...)
A storm of feelings inside. I thought it was over. But alas! The clouds are still heavy with tears.
Last Tuesday: Shunned. Turned against. Bombarded. Confused.
I feel like such a bad person. Such a sinner for having what everyone else has: feelings. Fricken feelings. I knew I should have kept those walls up. And yet I took them down because I feared I had become insensitive. And now look what happened.
But this! Now this was so unexpected! (referring to the list of things above). I had no idea. No idea that something was this wrong. But could you blame me? Not if the other person never really showed any signs that they were bothered. And especially not if they acted as a catalyst, supporting what has now become the problem. So tell me, could you blame me for not knowing any better? Really now, you can't expect me to read minds. And you cannot expect me to understand if you won't let me know what's wrong. You cannot expect me to fix what I don't even know what needs to be fixed. Believe me, I want to make things right. But I can't if you won't let me. Huh, sometimes I just want to say, "Tell it to my face! Be honest with me and I'll be honest with you (in love...of course)." No matter how much you speculate and discuss amongst one another, things are not going to change..unless you stop talking about it and start moving towards solution.
So, the unexpected list of things seemed quite unreasonable to me. And of course I went on the defense. But I also wanted to know what exactly was wrong. Soo...
Last Friday: finally talked. everything all good? I thought so..
(Okay wait. Rewind. If she wasn't going to talk, I wasn't going to be left in the dark worrying away till she did decide to open up. So to get some idea of what was going on, I asked others. Then I started to understand. I still thought some of it was pretty unreasonable, but I knew I needed to be humble and hear everything out. I wanted to be heard too. So on Wednesday I mustered up enough courage to call her. Thank God for voicemails. I left one apologizing for anything/everything I did and asked her to call me back. She called back on Thursday but I couldn't talk then.)
Okay so now, Friday. We talked things out. What she said made sense to me. I told her my side of the story. I thought we were all good after we hung up. And it seemed so when I saw her at the funeral on Saturday. We talked, laughed, joked. I thought we were all good.
This past Tuesday: texted her about change in beach plans. sensed indifference. uh oh something doesn't feel right.
Hmm..you know how even through a text you can get a sense of a person's tone? Yeah...I heard indifference. So that made me think, "Uh oh. I think something is still wrong...D:" But I don't know what. Did I do something? I don't know. And I don't know what to do already.
This past..oh last night: he texted her.
He apologized and asked her what was wrong. He didn't get much of a reply from her. So again, we're not left with much to work with in order to make things right.
Frick. I hate worrying about this. I don't want to push it though. Or rather, push her into talking. So much uncertainty. I'm getting frustrated. And rather impatient and annoyed because this is still not resolved. I have taken action to change and make things better. But again I'm confused because some of the very people who were bothered by the problem are now playfully teasing me about it. I'm starting to think it's not very funny anymore. In fact, I honestly just want to run away. Get away from everyone. Isolation. This problem has created too much trouble (although unintentionally). I don't even know everything that seems to be going on.
Now I am reminded of how in Joel, God stripped away everything from under the Israelites' feet--their land, their food. They were left insecure and bare. Right now, I feel like the security I had with friends has been stripped away from under me. But I know this is where trust comes in. Not in people, but in God.
A storm of feelings inside. I thought it was over. But alas! The clouds are still heavy with tears.
Last Tuesday: Shunned. Turned against. Bombarded. Confused.
I feel like such a bad person. Such a sinner for having what everyone else has: feelings. Fricken feelings. I knew I should have kept those walls up. And yet I took them down because I feared I had become insensitive. And now look what happened.
But this! Now this was so unexpected! (referring to the list of things above). I had no idea. No idea that something was this wrong. But could you blame me? Not if the other person never really showed any signs that they were bothered. And especially not if they acted as a catalyst, supporting what has now become the problem. So tell me, could you blame me for not knowing any better? Really now, you can't expect me to read minds. And you cannot expect me to understand if you won't let me know what's wrong. You cannot expect me to fix what I don't even know what needs to be fixed. Believe me, I want to make things right. But I can't if you won't let me. Huh, sometimes I just want to say, "Tell it to my face! Be honest with me and I'll be honest with you (in love...of course)." No matter how much you speculate and discuss amongst one another, things are not going to change..unless you stop talking about it and start moving towards solution.
So, the unexpected list of things seemed quite unreasonable to me. And of course I went on the defense. But I also wanted to know what exactly was wrong. Soo...
Last Friday: finally talked. everything all good? I thought so..
(Okay wait. Rewind. If she wasn't going to talk, I wasn't going to be left in the dark worrying away till she did decide to open up. So to get some idea of what was going on, I asked others. Then I started to understand. I still thought some of it was pretty unreasonable, but I knew I needed to be humble and hear everything out. I wanted to be heard too. So on Wednesday I mustered up enough courage to call her. Thank God for voicemails. I left one apologizing for anything/everything I did and asked her to call me back. She called back on Thursday but I couldn't talk then.)
Okay so now, Friday. We talked things out. What she said made sense to me. I told her my side of the story. I thought we were all good after we hung up. And it seemed so when I saw her at the funeral on Saturday. We talked, laughed, joked. I thought we were all good.
This past Tuesday: texted her about change in beach plans. sensed indifference. uh oh something doesn't feel right.
Hmm..you know how even through a text you can get a sense of a person's tone? Yeah...I heard indifference. So that made me think, "Uh oh. I think something is still wrong...D:" But I don't know what. Did I do something? I don't know. And I don't know what to do already.
This past..oh last night: he texted her.
He apologized and asked her what was wrong. He didn't get much of a reply from her. So again, we're not left with much to work with in order to make things right.
Frick. I hate worrying about this. I don't want to push it though. Or rather, push her into talking. So much uncertainty. I'm getting frustrated. And rather impatient and annoyed because this is still not resolved. I have taken action to change and make things better. But again I'm confused because some of the very people who were bothered by the problem are now playfully teasing me about it. I'm starting to think it's not very funny anymore. In fact, I honestly just want to run away. Get away from everyone. Isolation. This problem has created too much trouble (although unintentionally). I don't even know everything that seems to be going on.
Now I am reminded of how in Joel, God stripped away everything from under the Israelites' feet--their land, their food. They were left insecure and bare. Right now, I feel like the security I had with friends has been stripped away from under me. But I know this is where trust comes in. Not in people, but in God.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The Let Go
Lately I’ve been finding myself slipping back into that habit of becoming paralyzed. My jaw will lock up and my eyes will become powerless to lift its gaze to meet another and you know how they say that when an animal feels threatened it'll react with a flight-or-fight response? Well, my mind goes toward flight. And when this happens, it’s like I can’t snap out of it. I’m just paralyzed.
Insecurity.
(These cause my world to turn over about every other week or so nowadays. Yes, that's just how I roll..not sideways like some people I know. Actually mine is more like a roller coaster.)
The cure? God.
So I was talking to God the other night and I've decided to really let go this time, to stop trying and start trusting. Why? Because now we're a mess that only He can clean up, and because whenever I've tried to put the pieces back together, they've just fallen apart again. Anyways, it was seriously a struggle humbling myself and finally letting God take the wheel and drive. I tried wrestling with myself, but I just couldn't overcome that last part of me deep down inside that wouldn't surrender. I couldn't deny it's presence. And I knew that if I wasn't going to be real with myself and with God in identifying and purging out this last bit of rebelliousness, then even if I cried out to heaven with all the right words of repentance, it would mean nothing. Also, both God and I knew that if I didn't scrub out every last tendency to hold back and every last thought of the possibility of going back, then the moment something went wrong again, I'd go running back to my old paralyzing ways.
But I have let go. And now I am free.
That night I felt the strangest peace about a concern that I had been carrying for so long. And as I let it go and God took it, I felt what could only be joy. I'm not totally sure what to expect next, but I guess that's where trust comes in.
Things are going to be better now..
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