What's Going On?

(This is very vague, I know, but here it goes...)


A storm of feelings inside. I thought it was over. But alas! The clouds are still heavy with tears.

Last Tuesday: Shunned. Turned against. Bombarded. Confused.
I feel like such a bad person. Such a sinner for having what everyone else has: feelings. Fricken feelings. I knew I should have kept those walls up. And yet I took them down because I feared I had become insensitive. And now look what happened.
But this! Now this was so unexpected! (referring to the list of things above). I had no idea. No idea that something was this wrong. But could you blame me? Not if the other person never really showed any signs that they were bothered. And especially not if they acted as a catalyst, supporting what has now become the problem. So tell me, could you blame me for not knowing any better? Really now, you can't expect me to read minds. And you cannot expect me to understand if you won't let me know what's wrong. You cannot expect me to fix what I don't even know what needs to be fixed. Believe me, I want to make things right. But I can't if you won't let me. Huh, sometimes I just want to say, "Tell it to my face! Be honest with me and I'll be honest with you (in love...of course)." No matter how much you speculate and discuss amongst one another, things are not going to change..unless you stop talking about it and start moving towards solution.
So, the unexpected list of things seemed quite unreasonable to me. And of course I went on the defense. But I also wanted to know what exactly was wrong. Soo...

Last Friday: finally talked. everything all good? I thought so..
(Okay wait. Rewind. If she wasn't going to talk, I wasn't going to be left in the dark worrying away till she did decide to open up. So to get some idea of what was going on, I asked others. Then I started to understand. I still thought some of it was pretty unreasonable, but I knew I needed to be humble and hear everything out. I wanted to be heard too. So on Wednesday I mustered up enough courage to call her. Thank God for voicemails. I left one apologizing for anything/everything I did and asked her to call me back. She called back on Thursday but I couldn't talk then.)
Okay so now, Friday. We talked things out. What she said made sense to me. I told her my side of the story. I thought we were all good after we hung up. And it seemed so when I saw her at the funeral on Saturday. We talked, laughed, joked. I thought we were all good.

This past Tuesday: texted her about change in beach plans. sensed indifference. uh oh something doesn't feel right.
Hmm..you know how even through a text you can get a sense of a person's tone? Yeah...I heard indifference. So that made me think, "Uh oh. I think something is still wrong...D:" But I don't know what. Did I do something? I don't know. And I don't know what to do already.

This past..oh last night: he texted her.
He apologized and asked her what was wrong. He didn't get much of a reply from her. So again, we're not left with much to work with in order to make things right.

Frick. I hate worrying about this. I don't want to push it though. Or rather, push her into talking. So much uncertainty. I'm getting frustrated. And rather impatient and annoyed because this is still not resolved. I have taken action to change and make things better. But again I'm confused because some of the very people who were bothered by the problem are now playfully teasing me about it. I'm starting to think it's not very funny anymore. In fact, I honestly just want to run away. Get away from everyone. Isolation. This problem has created too much trouble (although unintentionally). I don't even know everything that seems to be going on.
Now I am reminded of how in Joel, God stripped away everything from under the Israelites' feet--their land, their food. They were left insecure and bare. Right now, I feel like the security I had with friends has been stripped away from under me. But I know this is where trust comes in. Not in people, but in God.