Lately I’ve been finding myself slipping back into that habit of becoming paralyzed. My jaw will lock up and my eyes will become powerless to lift its gaze to meet another and you know how they say that when an animal feels threatened it'll react with a flight-or-fight response? Well, my mind goes toward flight. And when this happens, it’s like I can’t snap out of it. I’m just paralyzed.
Insecurity.
(These cause my world to turn over about every other week or so nowadays. Yes, that's just how I roll..not sideways like some people I know. Actually mine is more like a roller coaster.)
The cure? God.
So I was talking to God the other night and I've decided to really let go this time, to stop trying and start trusting. Why? Because now we're a mess that only He can clean up, and because whenever I've tried to put the pieces back together, they've just fallen apart again. Anyways, it was seriously a struggle humbling myself and finally letting God take the wheel and drive. I tried wrestling with myself, but I just couldn't overcome that last part of me deep down inside that wouldn't surrender. I couldn't deny it's presence. And I knew that if I wasn't going to be real with myself and with God in identifying and purging out this last bit of rebelliousness, then even if I cried out to heaven with all the right words of repentance, it would mean nothing. Also, both God and I knew that if I didn't scrub out every last tendency to hold back and every last thought of the possibility of going back, then the moment something went wrong again, I'd go running back to my old paralyzing ways.
But I have let go. And now I am free.
That night I felt the strangest peace about a concern that I had been carrying for so long. And as I let it go and God took it, I felt what could only be joy. I'm not totally sure what to expect next, but I guess that's where trust comes in.
Things are going to be better now..
3 comments:
Kathleen? Is this you?
I like this. Reading it brought me joy.
I find it hard to live with the knowledge that the Holy Spirit dwells in me. Yet it is truth. And i think sometimes that it is just a matter of me realizing it. And holding on to it.
That's funny. It's like reading something I wrote in the future. Those words match my situation pretty well hah.
Probably something different though, anyways.
Did you seriously write this on sunday or is my thing messed up?
BWRAH!
When will you come back? D:
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